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Thank You Doctor Google

That little boy inside me, the one who loves to play, laugh, dance, and sing, the childlike teen who is struggling to understand a dishonor, a man confused by a lie.

*Doctor Google took me on a ride in a bucket, down an icy road for a few days to discuss the dishonesty. ( *A Nurse Practitioner who prescribes drugs for mental health patients, that think they know what medication they should get, because they Googled it created this idea)

After reading the toxic text message a few more times, I figured on searching for “false apology”. Thank goodness for Brainy Quote. Fifty-six pages in (it took a few days, as the lie was poison in my heart already, so I had to pause the research for health purposes), I found satisfaction.

To all the artists, homicide investigators, poor, the unsatisfied with their accomplishments, kids who wish their car was faster, their boots more expensive, their house on a hill, the minorities, underdogs, and others who clutch onto the Peter or Wendy flying in their hearts still, “waiting on the world to change”, holding their breath in high hope of enduring betrayal:

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How to fix myself

Water on the river yesterday, asking how to fix in my head, and drawing for the answer.

Yes.

It’s days like this one when I allow myself the space to ask questions to myself, and come up with simple answers that are good enough, that I feel I might have a chance at pursuing happiness in life.

What is the root? Yes. Have you torn it from it’s plot? Yes. Pulled it by the hair and turned it to face you? Yes. Have you tickled the spot to convince it to move just enough that you can see it’s underbelly? Yes. What does it smell like? Yes. Does it have texture, or is it smooth and creamy? Yes.

When the flavor hit’s your heart, what does it feel like? No.

Is there a memory of it that will form a pattern? Yes. Can you itemize, categorize, objectify, and open your minds eye, to see it differently? Yes. The pattern you recognize, is it similar to any other degenerative pattern in your past or present? Yes. Is the pattern a reflection of something regenerative in ideology? Yes.

Does it have an intention that is unsullied by selfish agendas? No. Do I have this same intention? No. Is it changing? Yes. How can I? Yes. Have I already changed enough? No. Am I helping? Yes. Is this? Yes. What can I do to preserve what I thought before it happened? Yes.

In what way can I discover the root to the hope of it getting better? Yes. Which roots in my life can show me a healthy response? Yes. I should reunite with those on Saturday. Yes. What is safe for me to say? Yes. What is not safe for me to ask? Yes?