Focus Stall Ranting

I enjoyed your article, as I also find myself in the unenviable position, of freezing my life due to heart breaks, to reflect on the patterns in the pain of the past. As you said, my symptoms are flight, fight, and freeze.

On my blogging adventure, I’m fighting by writing for the growth of my well-being, and yesterday I watched an interesting video on the study of perspective in time, that helps build my serenity for that purpose.

In the flight from emotional pain over the last year, I’ve become fascinated by how time relates to my spirituality and identity. It has a harsh impact on the judgements of others for who I am(an emotional trigger you shared too),so you I hope this video helps you too. Food for thought in The Secret Powers of Time.  The only criticism I would give, is that I wouldn’t choose to represent the present tense derogatorily as “Present Hedonist”, as I find the spiritual practice of “Mindfullness”, and living in the moment, bring me contentment.

I used my desire to comment on your article, as a motivator to edit my long list of backlogged drafts, so thanks for sharing your struggle, it inspired me to improve this article from 2012:

Why am I doubting the darkness, and interrogating the sun? Why does the cold make me angry, and the heat make me sad? What is this thing that makes me look up, expecting to see the ceiling, and finding the closet floor? What is the combination of the lock to the cellar door?

Why am I so tired, with rest evading me like a bouncing deer? Staring at one of my biggest fears, shaking my head and grinning, a mantra uttered to survive. Turning on the music, taking a shower, shaving, turning up the music, dancing, singing, drinking water….

Taking on something simple while physically demanding, as a challenge that will exhaust me to complete. A work that takes all of it away, and leaves me trembling for a different reason, than the one that motivated me to write this.

It’s a precipice, a focus stall, a pit. The scattering fragmentation and suffering of doubts, popping up like bubbles in a boil.

Putting my ear muffs on to cancel out the noise of the chain saws hitting rock, in my head, and again, turning up the music. Dancing to feeling it, loving it as a moment in time. Always as my salvation, the double safeties with end knots, rescuing my lost soul.

A place of absorption with mind whipping like a snake rattle…I’m barely alive. Outside the door lying under the floor, lurks my passions, perseverance, drive, resilience, sanctuary, art, and focus. Play that makes me tall, a work that fixes all.

It’s the decision that’s already been made, and a willingness to pursue it with dogged focus. Getting it done for me, means learning to transcend the focus stalls with grace.

So if you see me with bloodshot eyes and grinning, sweating while lifting, moving at high-speed, know that what you see is glee, buried in an uncontrollable passion to finish.

I have no choice to make at this point. My life has become make or die, and I love being an Artist Builder. Thanks again for inspiring me to lift this back up, by writing about the dynamics of your mental health, and the scientific study of it. Be well.

This is little blue man.  He glows in the dark.  My third puppet.  Made from reclaimed Douglas Fir, Yew wood, and an assortment of semi precious stone beads.

This is little blue man. He glows in the dark, and is my third puppet. Made from reclaimed Douglas Fir, Yew wood, and an assortment of semiprecious stone beads.  His strings are cut, because making him was my passion, and controlling him didn’t bring me happiness.



Fantasy or fantastic, 13 reasons to use a pseudonym….or not.

I appreciate the questions the “Opinionated Man” puts forth on his blog, and the latest one rang for me. During the course of the comment I was writing on his article, I decided to address it here for myself, as I made a choice on the issue recently to reveal myself online. Well, I didn’t take my pants down…..again, but I did decide to own my pen name, as it was wearing on me to constantly feel that I needed to hide it.
The comment:
Pro pseudonym:
1. Privacy. 2. The work potentially proves it’s worth alone. 3. You won’t have to be praised to your face. 4. Mysterious is sexy and breeds curiosity. 5. If your book is hot enough, your wife won’t have to deal with women banging on the door trying to get a lay with a rock star. 6. You won’t have to go on book tour. 7. Giving the profits to a worthy cause anonymously will be easier. 8. Your kids won’t have to defend it with fisticuffs at school. 9. I’m looking into it myself. 10. Sometimes I think a potential mate would rather know me in person, and some of my best friends don’t read my writing, which could be so they don’t have to prematurely know what I’m thinking about. 11. Writing is lonely, and your wife misses you, so maybe an alternate identity would allow you to close the office door when your with her so she can spend time with the guy she married instead of the “ten foot online awesome one” she gets to share with the world, because he writes. 12. The fan mail for you will go to another address, and you can revel in your accomplishment without her feeling like she’s not as cool as you are. 13. Fame is fun like “the best moments owning a boat: buying it, and selling it.” Hmmm, I might be on her side.

Then again…
Pro True Name
1. Your writing could have more weight with people’s judgement of how honest it is if you own it. 2. Accountability and accepting responsibility for what your writing does in the world, may give it more value to you? 3. You like being a recluse, and she thinks it’s hot. 4. It’s easier to maintain motivation as a writer when you get positive feedback, and the best forms of that are emulation, or directly from people you care about. 5. It will be easier to convince the guys at the barbecue that you’re a bread-winner, if you can show them the paper. 6. Hiding an identity makes real life conversation uncomfortable and leads to people being suspicious of you. 7. You get to go on book tour. 8. The women banging on your door could help your wife know that your worth her effort to love you. 9. Dressing up in costumes to avoid recognition can be fun for the whole family, it’s like Halloween all year, and a brand new car every week is reliable transportation. 10. You may have to move to a small town in the country, and take your wife to the city for culture exposure when she needs a dose of dancing. Poor you, it’s pretty in the country. 11. It’ll be easier to get respect at writing conferences, and the feedback can come through your ears instead of just your sneaky eyes. 12. You won’t have to worry about hiding who you are to people who might accidentally reveal your pseudonym(or intentionally in spite). 13. People in your life that have an opinion that matters to you, may be more encouraging of your lifestyle if they value what you make, and if they get the chance to read it…..

It’s an interesting paradigm. I imagine it’s different for writers that have accrued financial success or notoriety. It’s probably different for every writer regardless. For those of us down here in the “I’m broke as shit and haven’t got a thing to show for my writing but satisfaction and something to share that I think has value”, putting our name on it may be the only thing we can do to justify our efforts to the people around us.

Every time I share my blog addresses, and wish to give somebody a way to accept my apparently to them, crazy lifestyle, it’s a mixed bag of tricks. Do I think the writing is good enough? What about the presentation? Do they really want to know that much about me? Are they even going to read it? Is it going to change our relationship? Do I want that?

I’m weary of the comment that people are envious of how I live my life. Frankly, that comment sucks. Being self-employed is neither easy or fun unless it’s done right, and after over twenty years of it, I’m still figuring out what that looks like for me.

It gives me the feeling that they have no idea how stressful “freedom”, or the lack of a stable career path or employment is. Right now I’m staying with Family, and while that is wonderful for a myriad of reasons, it’s not particularly conductive to pride. Envy me not for the things I have to humble myself to accept on the path to emerge as a writer, in fact, don’t waste your time with envy at all.

Searching for the quote, “don’t write unless you have to”, brought me to a great article on emerging writers. As a student of the trade, I’m enjoying jumping out of the closet, publishing wildly, and spending less time on doubt. It was rewarding to read about what a more balanced process would look like, and reflecting on how I’m failing myself in some basic publishing stress reduction techniques.

Trial by fire has always thrilled me more. Like the idea of begging for forgiveness vs. asking for permission. My struggle as a writer is that I don’t really want to wait. I get satisfaction by hitting the publish button on something I want to share. Unfortunately the economy doesn’t work that way though, and I’d like to have my writing be self-sustaining, so I’m studying what the other side of the coin looks like.

Maybe if I looked at my blogging as sharpening the knife. Cutting with a dull knife is stupid, as it takes longer, your more likely to slip, and when you do the potential injury will take longer to heal, as the cut is ragged. The analogy works well to describe the process Lauren’s article painted. Her advice was take your time, or “think slow”, which to me is sound…but doesn’t come natural, or feel fun.

So writing here is fun, and I’ll be working up to a more formalized approach in the land of what I like to call Chrysalis Draft Craft. I spit this one out. I hope it was palatable, and if it wasn’t, feel free to follow the links, as the two writers I referenced make words fit well.

Toys R Tools Work Iz Play

When I started this blog with help from a friend 5000 miles away, over the phone we came up with the temporary title of “benjaminsreclaimedart”. Over a year later (my software skills are better for wearing soft suits), I have finally changed the address!! This posting was written in anticipation of the moment when I could reveal a name worthy of my energy!!

The bottom of the page is a message to the designer of my icon. TATWIP is not a blog. It’s a dream. A way of life, a train of thought, a philosopy, and an art.

Donate enough money, and I'll remove the shadow so you can see me in rubber boots.....:) How much is enough? 20 million quid will do for starters, this is an expensive dream well worth your donation.

Thank you J-

The hardest thing I can do is make a decision, so bear with me, my mecurial nature is open to suggestions in the air at this step.

It made me feel confused or unclear, like I should draw up some sketches like last time I did this with another designer, giving you a flavor to go from. How much time did this take you? I hope that didn’t come out wierd on your end.

We’re still in the visualization/manifestation/materialization stage. Started thinking maybe just the TTWP put together somehow. Like TWPT, or WPTT or TaT WiP or WiP TaT Or TATWHIPPED. Or WhippedTAT….hmmm. I’ll get out a sketch tonight after work so we can harmonize….Design of logo is something I take really seriously…..Brand recognition.

Free Association:

Professional, school, trades school, break rule, KISS (my best advice to myself, forever: Keep It Simple Stupid), Thought Revolution, Student Teacher, Doctoral Novice, radical proven principle real truth….Purpose….Lifestyle…Scholar With A Blue Collar……Equality….Undomestication….Adaptation…Harmony of learning environment….Building a place where learning is fun. Having built them…..I want to continue to.

Breaking the rules of thought (the other definition of insanity); evolutionary business principles.

Education we can bear to carry in our minds, without needing meditation, and years of practice, to remove every last scrap of crap, the institutionalized system of thought, has programmed into our pawn heads, to dominate, control, and manipulate us, into being tools of a system, meant to keep the rich filthy richer, and the poor starving on the floor of some musty box…..

I sold my biggest possession today….Which means I have a pocket full of Benjamins. I can mail more if need be. Keep doing what your doing. I love it enough, to share the team spirit with the world.




Free Piano Pickup

This was fun to do. Big thanks to the others, for being willing to work into the night, pulling, pushing, and lifting to deliver, a free piano. A system of ramps and ropes, slung to the rack in the pickup, that allowed moments of pause, when just one finger, was enough to keep the piano from smashing into the ground.

Moving something, with an intention of generosity, an action of grace, and building a result of gratuitous joy, makes it easy.

Prosperity in a cave.

I will have prosperity rain down from the sky, winking in the moonlight, silver droplets, molten forming art, a wallet of metal, a glisten of sparkle, wrapped around me, in a jacket of wealth. Let my hems be sewn with rubies, my belts be laced with emeralds. I see a mountain of wealth in the lair that is my mind. By this time tomorrow, the mountain will go again, trembling shakes beneath my feet, rattling cutlery and china on the tabletops of the heartland, spewing large chunks of melting gold across the garden. I will be as the sleeping dragon, smoke billowing from my ears, atop the pile of filigreed books, when the slightest disturbance is heard, I will be anticipating, another nap, and another meal.
-the dragons lair-