You’ve met the animals inside you. Brought them to a steady feral, through study, patience, and practice.
She’s a little bird eating holly fruit, merrily dizzy with the liquor of red berry.
He’s a Lion with a lashing tail, crouched low, ears curious, a palpable readiness, to playfully pounce.
She slips in beside you under the covers, nuzzles her beak against your cheek.
He’s running in circles waiting to do what he does best, he’s spinning, leaping, the dust is rising, you can feel the pounding of his paws, like stormy high tide waves on the cliffs below.
She’s whispering a tale of rain and sunshine in a song, of the salted air where the river meets the shore, a cloud on the ground, blown in from the sea in a wall of wetter, a dance of shadow, light, and the crystals of rain droplets forming in the rays of heat, a prism with the sound of pounding surf.
Under dark clouds of the question, “how selfish do you have to be, to survive?” You’ve asked yourself at the bottom of hungry, where missing a nights sleep, leaves you looking like death, “what matters most?”
You’ve gone to the point of anger. Seen frustration and disgust in your heart and mind, clash with dishonesty, and lack of honor in the actions of others.
Your generosities have become resentful spite in other’s actions towards you, from their sense of shame.
Under your skin you’ve crawled with the beast of hatred at what seems so stupid. “How can this be?” your logic says, while others judge you as irrational.
They don’t understand your conundrum. They don’t feel with their marrow. They don’t wake up, start crying, get sick of it, and stomp their way to take care…..of others.
They tell you to take care. Take care……..hmmm. Out of fury at the hypocrisy of that parting blessing by some people, I’ve decided to use,”give a fuck!”, as my last line of social defense, when I get insulted by people, in regards to the way I see the world. Works like a peach.
Give em such a big peach, that they step back and really make a decision whether to de-validate what you think, out of inability to feel the way you do.
Fuck them if they can’t empathize. Tell them to grow down, and go play with a dog. Seriously.
If you’ve continued to sacrifice your life, dedicating it to something bigger than you, you don’t have time to be kicked into the rotting mud. Life’s too short, and you work too much already.
That was self talk folks. I need to be able to survive the ugliness of the world, while not turning a blind eye to it.
In conclusion, do take note that your Charisma is the challenge. You could choose to be selfish while making decisions for everyone around you, and become the monster. This is why your charm is mistrusted by people when they don’t know you. Without the right ethical purpose of your actions, your a beast. It sucks to be you, if you have a conscience. I understand that guilt, from making mistakes. I can feel that after I get furious, my footprints are too deep. Mud is caked up to my knees from stomping.
I loved the advice I got from a random bible quote over Thanksgiving, “do not hasten yourself to anger”.
Having seen the truth in that advice before, I’ve seen it in my minds eye as a reminder, when reflecting on a new anger.
Recently a simple theft of my pay by a boss, laid a seed of frustration in my heart. It took me seven days of coping, before I finally got properly disgusted, and angry. Glad to have waited, it’s been easier to move on in my head, and not possible in my heart.
That’s the best gift I could give to you Executive Directors. People need you. Don’t give in to the way of the world, and the viciousness of life. Hold strong to your idealistic values and efforts, even in the face of the world not valuing it much.
At least in places like Thailand, they still honor the Master Craftsman with the Monk. You don’t learn to make like you do, without a sacrifice. You give something for your talent. Probably more than you should have.
Please do take care, and tell the doubting selfish people in your life to “give a fuck”, if they mess with you.
My attitude for this blog canvas, has changed again. I’m still working on what I need to do here to fund a lifestyle of art. I have three years of effort here that hasn’t paid a cent…..Interesting. In fact it’s cost me money, time, heart, and disappointment. Typical of my art. Like Ani Defranco said, “art is the reason I get up in the morning”
Somebody told me recently that artists work is only valued… after they’re dead. Tell me I should feel content with that. Fuck that. It’s taken me a lifetime to be angry about that. Give a fuck. I’m excited to smash that rock BTW. It represents two heartbreaks already, why not a third and fourth? It has about as much value to me, as a turd two months later. Ground down into powder, it’s a mineral supplement, for something else to grow. Nobody placed a bid. Must not be doing this right. Or people like to see art dismantled. Clutch, shift, clutch, throttle.
In March of last year, I wrote this: http://tatwip.com/2012/03/29/selfish/, and have been studying the conceptualizations. This is the latest update to that article, I hope it inspires you to live for something other than your desires, and to make art, even if it costs you everything, and makes not a cent. As Tracy Chapman sings, “All You Have is Your Soul”